Dear Heavenly Father.

Dear Heavenly Father 

If you love me, can you make it stop?
I want to be happy. Can you make it stop Heavenly Father?

Yesterday during my morning prayers, I whispered these words with eyes full of tears, teeter-tottering on the edge of the depression I thought I had neatly shoved into the back of my closet at the beginning of this year.

Between the stress of trying to find a new home with my parents, starting my makeup class, suspending my BYU application (for at least another year)😑 and planning a temple trip while still carrying out my church calling, life seems a little more chaotic than the Sassy Mormon is quite used to.These past few weeks have been the hardest and most stressful that I have ever had to deal with for a very long time and even though I assumed my faith was more than strong enough to keep me standing, somehow my emotional wall somehow cracked and crumbled to the ground.

All my defenses, insecurities and fears suddenly came bubbling to the surface of  the steaming pot that was my life. Even though I tucked away at the corners, trying to shove them back into the closet where I had stored them neatly away under lock and key. Somehow these demons had wriggled their way through the smallest of cracks and attacked me all at once.

I remember hearing all the bad things and all the hurtful things I had heard when I first was depressed at the age of eighteen.

I heard things like:

You realize that nobody is ever going to love you right?
Nobody is going to want you around
You're ugly...you're worthless... nobody likes you
Temple marriage.... girl nobody will ever love you like that
Your friends don't even like you right now. 
You're pathetic

The worse one I always hear whenever I get depressed is one of the hardest ones to acknowledge.

If you kill yourself nobody will miss you.

Go ahead. Do it. Kill yourself. Save the world from being around you.

As I prepared dinner on that night after my demons taunted me all day, I remember going into the kitchen and being afraid to pick up a knife. How did I let them win once again?

My steps seemed shaky yet they needed to be made. So sucking back my Caribbean pride, I picked up the only thing I knew how to do and I called my missionaries. (Thanks for letting me cry on the phone to you Sister Unga).

As I sit here typing this as I listen to my favorite online Christian music station on Accu-radio, words popped into my head from a song I've recently discovered by the group Stars Go Dim. It says:

You are loved
If your heart's in a thousand pieces
If you're lost and you're far from reason
Just look up; know you are loved
Just look up; know you are loved
When it feels like somethings missing
If it hurts but you can't find healing
Just look up; know you are loved
Just look up; know you are loved

 Satan doesn't come to us by making scheduled appointments. He whittles as us when we are at our strongest spiritually until we finally break and have to pick up the pieces of our lives.

This reminds me of my mom's young women class on Sunday where they were speaking about adversity. Sometimes we need to go through a little darkness so that  our testimony can grow and that we will be so much more appreciative of the role Heavenly Father plays in our lives.

Heavenly Father loves us so much. Even though it may seem hard to believe in that moment, we always have that assurance that we can always call on him whenever we need him 24-hrs a day and 7 days a week.

I love you guys so much from wherever in this great planet you are reading this.

I leave you with these things in the name of Jesus Christ

Amen

Love The Sassy Mormon

I left a video for the song just in case you want to listen to it