Is It Ever Okay To Be Angry At Church

Is it ever okay to be angry at church?

A few weeks ago, a situation came up at church where a long serving member and I had a melee of words which left me feeling unsettled and quite honestly ready to leave the church.

I've been honest about my past anger issues before on this blog, yet on this particular Sunday as I bit back my tongue giving this member the respect she wasn't giving me Heavenly Father super-glued my mouth shut preventing me from making a bad situation even worse.

Although I was trying ultra hard, throughout the next few hours my anger continued to rise and boil until I was certain I was going to go absolutely mad. In my head and in my heart I felt wronged, wondering why Heavenly Father had kept me quiet.

You should be defending yourself !
A small voice kept replaying in my head like a stuck record as I tried and failed to keep the smile on my face. I had no time to be angry.  If I remotely wanted to be normal and be engaged (during Gospel Principles class), I needed to shake the feelings of hurt and anger in my heart.

After the Gospel Principles class, I walked out of the room and managed to calm myself praying harder than I've ever done in my life to settle my spirit and for Heavenly Father to help me as I went through this trial.

I tried to rationalize everything under the sun as I talked and prayed myself off that cliff, about to be consumed by my anger once again. Angry Sassy Mormon was not a person I let out to play very often as it was so easy to be drawn back into the fires of anger that had plagued my life for the past few years.

By the time Relief Society started, my anger had dulled to a dim spark as I sat with my missionary girls and prepared for the next hour. Although my mind had settled, my face still showed that I was troubled and despite the missionaries attempts to cheer me up, my face remained stoic.

As if a bombshell had dropped off, one of the ladies boldly and quite rudely asked me why i was at church?

Now she didn't ask me in a concerned way or I would've smiled politely, shrugged it off or explained the cause for my less than cheerful deposition .

She said angrily and sarcastically.

  Why are you angry at church? 

If you are angry at church you should not be here.

 I don't understand why some of you people come to church if you're going to be angry.
Do you know why you are angry? Its because you aren't growing?

For a moment I was in shock. As a new member it was already so hard to just be in a new church culture and for the second time that day I had been made to feel like less a second class member.It didn't help my emotions any as I was classed into a category of "YOU PEOPLE" and almost immediately my brain began to spin a hundred miles per second.

As I went home that Sunday, I couldn't shake it. Is the church where I wanted to be? Had I done the wrong thing and gotten baptized into a church of petty members? Was she right? Was I not growing in my time as a member and wasting the missionaries time?

I keep saying that during this period my foot was almost out the door and there was a strong chance of me not sticking around to celebrate my first year of being a member of the church. I remember calling my sister missionary in secret from her companion and telling her I wanted out and that there had to be some way to get unbaptized.

It was then that my rebel missionary sister missionary Sister Sammie Sandwich (also known as Sister Hawkins) told me that although the church is perfect, the members are not. Petty members despite their barbs, immaturity and pettiness didn't represent the true church which was restored by the Prophet Joseph Smith.

I suddenly didn't feel comfortable among the older women of the church without my mother being present. I smiled but the smile never reached my eyes. I kept everyone at an arms distance (and still do) in fears of being hurt again by my sisters in faith. Worse of all, I unofficially dropped out of Relief Society. It had become painful to attend and after my mother received her calling of Young Women's President, I couldn't find it in my heart to stay in a place where i felt uncomfortable.

For the next few weeks (and even now) as I see the last hour of church coming up I always find something other than Relief Society to go to. With my calling as Church Librarian it makes it super easy to go clean the book closet  or give out books to members (especially the young women's class).There may be an occasional joke about how I am following my mom into Young Womens but honestly as soon as I touch the Relief Society door my heart starts to race and I can't go any further. 

Its sad that a lack of compassion and anger caused this reaction. I think about the fact that if this had been a non-member who was investigating the church for the first time that this encounter may have scared them off and made them lose out on the opportunity to know our Heavenly Father.

I remember prayer harder for love to once again fill my heart for members who had wronged me that day, reading my scriptures more intently and fasting over the decisions I needed to make to become a better Sassy Mormon.

As I type these words, a passage in Proverbs 16:32 which states that he who is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he who ruleth his spirit than he who taketh a city. As I read this scripture, I recalled all the times at church where I had simply become frustrated for trivial reasons or had been on the verge of blowing a fuse over things which were out of my control or required a smidgen more patience on my part.

Allowing anger to live in us even during our three hours of service puts a strain on our path to having a closer relationship with our Heavenly Father. Since that encounter, I have made quiet peace with one of the members and I even took the first few steps to rejoining Relief Society full-time (I'm taking baby steps. 2 Sundays a month isn't a bad start right)

While I know I am a work in progress, my prayer for all of us as members of this worldwide church is for anger to remove itself from our lives and allow peace to grow in its place...even when we have to deal with ultra difficult members who can often seem like they are testing our patience

I hope that this post brings you comfort in days of darkness.

I love you so much from wherever you are in this gigantic earth.I leave you with these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

Love The Sassy Mormon